Hailey Bug Turns 5

My Hailey Bug turned 5!                                                                                                             

It is hard to believe my girl is spending her last days in preschool and seriously growing up too fast!  I can still remember when they put her in my arms at the hospital. I have never felt such joy and love in my whole life.  As I looked into her big brown eyes I felt such a strong bond and I knew she would be special girl. I held her little hand in mine, counting her fingers and noting how long and skinny each little finger was, a Butler trait.   I can remember a buzz about the room as nurses and our Midwife moved about and words of congratulations were being spoken, but for a short moment I remember feeling a warmth and an overwhelming feeling of love for this little spirit.  Then as I looked at her I remember thinking the words "I love you more then anything, I love you so much I would die for you." "I will always love you." After the words were spoken in my head I had a thought that this must be what our Heavenly Father feels for us, for me, for all his children.  The kind of love that you would make you go to the ends of the earth for them.  My promise to always love her was the first of many promises I would make to her and the one promise I have always kept.

Hailey is much like me.  She is sensitive and she feels more then I think a normal child should feel.  When someone is hurting she hurts.  She wants to please everyone and is my little peacemaker.  She is constantly giving things to others,  The other day I was looking for her special bag that her grandma made her and she informed me that she had given it away to a friend.  When I asked her why she did it she replied "because Jesus would want me to."  

When her sisters get into trouble she is their guardian pleading on their behalf to have us reduce  their punishment or to not take their things away.  When they are hurt she is there to nurse them back to health.  She has taken on the role of big sister for Mattie and is constantly trying to mother her.  Although she is usually a sweetie she does have her moments.  She is learning to stand up to her sisters and fight back.  Mattie loves to take advantage of her meekness and does anything to get her way including biting.  Hailey is finally learning how to defend herself and fight back which may sound bad but it is a relief to see her stand up for herself.  

Hailey loves to be encouraged and loves words of affirmation.  When negative words are spoken to her it breaks her world.  She also tends to be a little negative and hard on herself and she remembers anything bad that happened to her or was said to her.  She reacts to life so differently then my other girls and I see a lot of myself in her....which is a little scary.  I want her to be strong and confident like her dad and not feel the insecurities that plagued me as a child and as an adult.  But she will be who she was meant to be that goes with all my children I guess!  

 We celebrated with breakfast donuts a very happy change from our usual boring cereal.

 I tried to be a good mommy and made her some candy corn cupcakes that we took to her class.  I always laugh at myself when  I try to do something cool because I get an idea and then it takes more time then I have and then it never turns out how I thought it would and it becomes more of a  headache then anything.  Stupid Pinterest!  I never got cupcakes on my birthday:)

 She had fallen in love with this panda at Sam's club and knowing how toys last at our house there was no way she was getting it.  Thankfully she has a wonderful grandpa Berry who knew she wanted it and could not help himself.  He bought it for her and surprised her with it.  She was so excited and I was thankful for a father in law that loves to spoil his grand kids.  That little panda has been like a family member in our house and because it could walk and talk it was like having her own pet.  Which made the kids stop asking for a puppy...... for now at least.

 I made a big pumpkin cupcake for her and told her she could smash her face in it if she wanted to.  She was shocked that I would let her do something so messy.  "Really mom, really, you are really going to let me put my face in this?" she kept asking over and over.

 Finally we talked her into it and of course she was timid about it and took her time and tried very hard to not get too messy and was uncomfortable that I was filming this silly experience.  She is not really one to take over the spotlight, she gets shy.  But this I thought would be a child's dream come true! It's funny because watching her I totally wanted to be a kid again and have it be acceptable to smash my face in a dessert.  Occasionally I still get that feeling when I see a cream pie, how fun it would be to smash my face in it and just go to town!  Ohh crap now all I can think about is chocolate pie!

Those eyes.....my Bugs is 5 and before I know it she will be saying her R's correctly and more interested in other things then being mommy's cuddle bug and helper.  Gone are the days of diapers and cute headbands, of letting me pick out her clothes, of letting me just hold her. Gone are the days I can fully protect her from the dangers and mean things of the world. Her life experience used to include me in everything, now she is experiencing life on her own in her own world. It is fun to think about the future and what adventures and life experience my kids will have but looking back on these times it is hard to not get sentimental.

 Believe me when I say I am ready for fully independent children and some extra freedom, but the mother in me also sees these growing children as my babies.  When I think about the past and my girls as babies my mind searches for memories for the feeling of what it was like to have them as babies and not little people.  My heart longs to hold them as babies again and to remember that feeling again.  That part of my life is gone and I am slowly starting to forget what they were like as babies, the things I do remember I want to feel again.  The peaceful feeling I would get while rocking them to sleep in my arms.  When they smiled at me for the first time, or said mommy for the first time.  Their first steps, when life seemed a bit slower and I never left the house. I miss those little things.  With those firsts we get to experience new stages of firsts and one day I will be looking back on this season and wishing I could remember it better and trying to recall the "firsts" that we were able to experience with our kidos.